“We don’t have to grab our balls—we know they’re there.” —Steve

“I hate it when a Coke burp goes up your nose.” —Doug

“It’s body is warm and moist—kind of like Grandma’s” —Steve

“What does Grandma sound like?” —Hawk

“Holy shit! Look at the size of those feet!” —Jodi, about Rob

“You are a sore thumb.” —Steve, to Rob

“Could the two of them together lift a horse with their flies?” —Rob

“How much whiter can we get?” —Steve

“I’m rolling with the dwarves now!” —Rob

“Yeah, that clown suit is really bad news.” —Steve

“Just think—parts of him are always evaporating.” —Eliz. H.

“Don’t hold your face. . . . Can you see without holding your face?” —David Letterman, to Larry ‘Bud’ Melman

“He’s just short for a human.” —Rob

“I’ll try to keep my tight leather cracks to myself.” —Jodi

“He flies like Speed Buggy.” —Doug

“Can that add to my wind?” —Steve

“Can I look up my ebony fly?” —Steve

“I have a portable hole.” —Hawk

“I am a penis.” —Rob

“You’ve got lips on your butt.” —Steve, to Rob

“Leave my tits alone.” —Holly

“A lot of guys think they’re God’s gift to women; Steve thinks God is his gift to women.” —Chuck

“‘I bet I know, I bet it’s beer’—wait a minute, that didn’t rhyme. It rhymed when I thought of it.” —Karin

“The more you play with it, the longer it gets.” —Chuck

“He’d be a nice guy if he weren’t so fucking annoying.” —Steve

“Can I fit this monk on my fly?” —Steve

“I’m not stupid . . . am I?” —Steve

“Well, I’m flaming.” —Rob

“What’s going on under my butt?” —Rob

“You don’t get to see my goofy orgasm face.” —Rob

“I can’t afford a thing that big.” —Steve

“You and your damn flies!” —Chuck, to Rob

“I’ve never heard myself snore.” —Rob

“He’s an all-American pain in the ass.” —Steve

“I don’t trust those elves.” —Myssi

“My lips don’t make that shape.” —Rob

“I’m a dork on film.” —Jason

“We’re butt-scratching sexy.” —Steve and Rob

“Write, buttboy.” —Rob, to himself

“When your dad is God, you just can’t lose.” —Steve

“The whole idea of trench warfare is not a pleasant way to spend your day.” —Dan Rather

“It’s supposed to make sense to people who understand it.” —Hawk

“I hate it when the little rubber things come off.” —Myssi

“My thing doesn’t seem to be working.” —Rob

“It’s like a fine wine—you have to drink from the top of the bottle down.” —Rob

“If you can’t kiss anybody, you might as well kiss somebody.” —Myssi

“When you have money, you’ll get cute.” —Rob

“Me dying is like God existing.” —Steve

“I’ll butter you under the table.” —Rob

“I like a nose that sticks out.” —Hawk

“l like noses, but on guys.” —Liz W.

“I really suck on noses.” —Tanya

“He only does yoga so he can piss.” —John

“I can put my mouth on Batman if I want to.” —Hawk

“I ironed my head into an egg shape.” —Chuck C.

“I stuck it in my hand and got an amazing hard-on.” —Rob

“Life is life.” —Jill

“Rice is rice; I mean, it can’t be both.” —Lyn

“If I don’t come home tomorrow, I probably will.” —Rob

“The only days I get off are during the week, and I usually don’t get them off.” —Jodi

“I’ve got the wrong damn thing in my mouth.” —Steve

“Well, does anyone ever use the hole?” —Rob

“We do have cable, we just don’t have cable.” —Will

“I’m Dutch, but I really hate the sun.” —Sheila L.

“Nobody does it the way what like you does it.” —Steve

“When’s Today—is that tomorrow?” —Steve

“Typing is like riding a bike—you don’t fall off.” —Lyn

“You can’t hurt me—I’m like a noodle.” —Karin

“I didn’t use any onions, I used some onions.” —Steve

“I’m a real freak for midgets.” —Linda M.

“I’m trying to identify this substance I just put in my mouth.” —Rob

“’Rhythm’ doesn’t have an ‘n’? Oh, I was thinking of ‘dilemma’.” —Steve

“A whopper’s gonna feel pretty good against the back of my throat.” —Jill

“Comedy should be funny.” —Jill

“It’s hard to smell something when you’re in it.” —Steve

“I can’t think with my brain.” —Tracey

“How do you take it, Bob, when someone refers to you as a fish?” —Todd

“We’re gonna die someday, so we might as well start doing it now.” —Steve

“I can see it taking enormous power to keep it up. . . .” —Rob

“I can’t spin right without my hat.” —Paul S.

“Your fingers are too slippery. I can’t do this without a napkin.” —Hawk, to Holly

“Have you seen my new head?” —Anya

“It won’t get eaten unless somebody eats it.” —Anya

“I just want to sleep until I wake up.” —Rob

“When most people think about the universe, they don’t think big enough.” —Steve

“Wilt Chamberlain has been big ever since he was small.” —Randy B.

“It’s bad enough I have to clean up everybody’s dishes—I’m not wiping beans off the phone.” —Yvette

“Just take the fucking spiked folders out of the cardboard box . . . . . . What the hell did I just say?” —Steve

“I’ve only had one rebellious phase, but it’s lasted since it started.” —Hawk

“I’m wide awake now, but that never stopped me from sleeping before.” —Jenn

“Oregon is nice—my uncle lives in Washington.” —Bevin

“I spelled it right, I just left out an ‘i’.” —Theresa T.

“I’m a goon, but I’m all right.” —Rob

“My cleavage doesn’t work in that manner.” —Jill

“I didn’t just say it, I caught it.” —Steve

“Don’t speak with your mouth open.” —Steve

“That’s me behind Greg’s butt.” —Rob

“When you shake, you shake, and that’s that.” —Steve

“God, I wish I had gas.” —Lyn

“I got it in my mouth and it just kept on expanding.” —Hawk

“Most Barts are erasers.” —Myssi

“You don’t want to leave something pasted on Lisa.” —Steve

“If you wait a few minutes, we’ll have your table for you immediately.” —a waiter

“Sweaty butts are no fun.” —Bill Perry

“I’m the only one allowed to get phlegm on this.” —Liz P.

“I smell like tuna fish. Do you want to be my friend?” —Liath

“Is two “two” here?” —Liath

“A few years from now, we’ll all be part of the future.” —Advil ad

“I hope it gets good and dark tonight.” —Liz P.

“I believe one of those legs is mine.” —Hawk

“I’m losing my mind—Oh, you’re sitting on it.” —Liath

“There is something alive between my toes that is not a part of me . . . and it’s moving.” —Jack R.

“In a few seconds, it will be today.” —Kerry E.

“Line ’em up and I’ll lick them all.” —Donny

“I have a problem with Number One.” —Dana

“It’s just funny, ’cause it’s humourous.” —Kerry E.

“What size foot does she wear?” —Jen C.

“No. I have no Hole.” —Jenn

“I’ve never seen an eggplant explode like that.” —Steve

“I’m my own potpourri.” —Jen D.

“Science is cool when you’re not being graded on it.” —Jen D.

“I’m here to leave.” —Holly

“I know everyone in the universe in this town.” —Tracy

“It’s fun insulting people naked then humping their leg.” —some guy at Leo’s

“As long as my pants are falling down, I’m happy.” —Darby

“Rob is his own butt.” —Hawk

“Your head is too small—that’s your only saving grace.” —Jack R.

“Squirrels make that kind of sound when you squeeze them.” —Liath

“I smell my own milk.” —Holly

“I’m feeding the chicken I already ate.” —Flynn

“I haven’t been there since the last time I went.” —Holly

“That’s why I’m still awake—so I can go to bed early.” —Dave

“I have to get up early so I can go to bed.” —Bruce

“First Doug started doing it to Rob, then Steve started, then we all started doing it to each other” —Hawk

“You don’t have a butt.” —Barb

“You should see what comes out of that mouth.” —Holly, about Barb

“It was better when her butt was sticking out the door.” —Holly, about Jodi

“You’re just lucky ’cause I really had to fart.” —Holly

“Am I ever going to get to hear all this behind cleansing?” —Hawk

“Every time I have an earthquake, I move.” —Jodi

“I laugh and my hands don’t work.” —Holly

“He does a monkey.” —Barb

“Can I swallow now?” —Holly

“Wade and I went to different high schools together.” —Dave

“I knew it was too big to be true.” —Holly

“It’s tough getting letters from dead men.” —Jenn

“Hey, who’s been tasting Lori?” —Holly

“I like peanut butter, I just don’t like to eat peanut butter.” —Holly

“Look—her ears match her shirt.” —Liath

“Look who’s drooling now!” —Brian

“I bumped my head on my face.” —Danielle

“I can be on fire to some extent.” —Lenny

“It feels good in my ass.” —Liath

“The cat didn’t piss in my room, so I’m very happy.” —Jodi

“Oh, fuck, I’d better put something in here.” —Hawk

“Everything I put in my mouth gets a comment.” —Suzi

“If you punch a dinosaur on roller skates in the mouth, he’s going down like a sack of bricks.”—Billy M.

“Holy cow, it’s a mackerel!” —Steve

“You gotta tell him the story about my ass.” —Jenn

“A friend of mine has a full-size Worf.” —Kat

“The first time I heard the word ‘yurt’ come out of that youngun’s mouth, I knew I was fucked.” —Jenn

“I read the obituaries yesterday and thought of you.” —Julie C.

“Hey! My tit just stole a dollar!” —Adriana

“Hitler never released a cover of ‘Let It Be’.” —Bill W.

“It must suck having your head stuck in a funnel.” —Jenn

“I think I just hurt myself trying to look at my butt.” —Tom

“Damn. I was distracted by my own ass.” —Jenn

“How do you spell ‘A’?” —Jon Hill

“When you forget to go to the bathroom, that’s flow.” —Jean C.

“I was pointing at what was in my butt.” —Aidan Jones

“Dad, I drew a picture of you coming out of the closet.” —Honora Jones

“I knew I saw something hop; I thought it was a rock.” —Heather Hayes

“The point of me not going up there is not to stay here and be gone all day.” —Linda Hayes

“There’s too many Yokos.” —Angela L.

“I’ve been there since I got here.” —Steve

“Her bunny wasn’t anyplace fun.” —Steve

“I need a god that kicks ass.” —Matt S.

“I keep having these mental thoughts.” —some girl in Starbucks

“I couldn’t do it without me.” —Michael V.

“I laughed, then I farted, and then I laughed because I farted” —Dawn

“You can see him on either side of Corey Feldman’s head.” —Holly, about Rob

“If you’re not going to hear anything, you might as well not hear anything in Hebrew.” —Holly

“Just because jelly bracelets are making a comeback doesn’t mean Paul Schaffer is cool.” —Meta M.

“You can’t see the big blond hair on my butt.” —Michael V.

“How much do pants weigh?” —Ritchie

“It’s a nice looking peach. I like the way it wiggles.” —Dawn

“He can just sit between my legs and swing away.” —Ritchie

“I’m not feeling monkeys today.” —Kat

“OK, OK, you win. . . . Can I take my clothes off now?” —Liath

“I’m not sure he can see her through your head.” —Kat

“I still am a kitty sucker.” —Elizabeth N.

“People are pretty translucent.” —Lenny

“I’m supposed to be this way, kind of like ranch dressing.” —Dawn

“It’s like the ocean, but more compact . . . and kind of hairy.” —Kat

“I don’t know the name of the actual hole.” —Doug

“There’s a baby head up there that’s not being used.” —Kat

“The way in which I didn’t get the pants was almost embarrassing.” —Leigh

“Yep, I’m a vibrater.” —Joy H.

“I talked before I could speak.” —Dawn

“For a second there I couldn’t tell the difference between your finger and the cat.” —Dawn

“Please blow out your head! You need to blow out your head.” —Leigh

“Oh damn—I had a sword between my legs!” —Leigh

“I can’t stop smelling goat cheese! Do I smell like goat cheese?” —Dawn

“Apparently you said something I didn't think you said.” —Dawn

“I like the idea of Jesus getting it on.” —Steve

“I can unicycle now, but I can’t speak German anymore.” —Vicki Lane

“The interesting thing about it is that it was interesting.” —Dawn

“How am I supposed to know where my mouth is?” —Malachi Jones

“Dawn does not have a brain opener and a sponge.” —Aidan Jones

“What was the name of that number again?” —Dawn

“You can’t kind of not have a head.” —Jess Williams